2 posts tagged “satire”

(again, this is just satire)

Yang Dipertua,

It has come to my attention that slapping is now being a culture among Malaysians, particularly amongst teachers and students for their late attendance to classes. As such I wish to propose measures to ensure equality amongst Malaysians, as per the 1 Malaysian motto’s wish to increase performance.

Firstly, since students arriving 10 minutes late to classes will be slapped, teachers who arrives late of the same duration, or leaves classes early of the same duration, will be receiving a slap from every member of the class.

This also applies to students and lecturers in our higher learning centres.

Similarly, this culture must also be implemented in the workplace to encourage performance of employees as well as employers.

The slapping of employees arriving 10 minutes late to work will be encouraged, as will the slapping of managers by all his subordinates for arriving late of the same duration.

This culture will also be implemented into contractors who are late in their construction projects. For every 10 minute delay, the government, or owner of the project, and the financiers, are allowed to slap the contractor and members of the crew.

Similarly, to encourage the culture within the government, all government projects that are delayed will be punished with a slap for every 10 minute delay for the minister whose signature approved said project. The rakyat will also be allowed to take part in this culture. If the rakyat were to meet an MP that has yet to keep an electoral promise within his area, he is encouraged to slap the fellow MP for each 10 minute delay he has made for implementing his promises.

Yang Dipertua,

If somehow slapping a student for being 10 minutes late will encourage him to come in early and be on time, then I suggest, with our culture being one that wishes to put ‘performance now’, then we as the government should be the first to experience and put this into practice.

*slaps Anwar for failing his government takeover last September 16*

Road Recommendations for 1Malaysia

Yang Dipertua,

For those who may be clueless, Malaysians are among the most creative drivers in Asia.

This is based on the fact that they put their rude and thoughtless acts when they’re in person and follow it through behind the steering wheel as well.

I think it was about two years ago that I ranted on the perfect Malaysian car for sale in this nation.

First and foremost, it’s got to be cheap, since this is what Malaysians will always look for.

In lieu of the constant experiences on the road I actually came up with some suggestions for the Malaysian automotive industry to follow to make cars cheaper.

First and foremost, Malaysian cars should only have one headlight, since this appears to be the trend among Malaysian drivers. Also, remove the signal lights. Nobody uses them.

Thirdly, make the car a two seater with a fast revving engine that can cut into any queue in a traffic jam. Also, attach a claxon loud enough so that when someone vents, they can press the horn loud enough to attract the attention of the traffic police riders, which are nonexistent or merely there to escort VIPs.

Recently, their duties have added the additional need to become traffic lights for municipalities and town councils who are too cheap or stupid to switch their ancient timer systems to sensor technology.

In addition to this, all roundabouts should be flattened and made into crossroads, since every person driving from out of Shah Alam doesn’t know how to determine which lane to take while using one. And even then, they have a problem with queuing and even waiting for traffic lights.

Roads in Putrajaya will come with walls instead of dividers to avoid cars flipping over to the other side while driving too fast and losing control, to simply kill the idiotic driver instead of having the reckless driver survive and kill off an entire family which cushioned her fall as she flipped over.

During the festive season, while it is a tradition to give out coffee at rest stops, I suggest that we just get along with the fact that these acts are not lessening deaths on highways. Therefore, I put forth a motion that we stop bothering to give people coffee, and start handing out body bags instead to quicken the clearing of the highways to avoid massive jams.

In fact, whenever an accident occurs, perhaps we could get all those roadwork video screens to post pictures of the accident to stop people from needing to slow down to look at the accident. Furthermore, the picture must also show the license plates of the total vehicles clearly, so that some of us can get to the nearest 4D store and buy their numbers.

Heck, let Sports Toto open a booth right at the accident site.

All toll lanes are to be equipped with Smart Tag, Touch n Go and cash payment methods, since Malaysians being idiots can’t seem to understand just which lane to get to while reaching the toll plaza. This will increase the speed of traffic at toll gates, thus removing traffic jams caused by confused morons who can’t even be bothered to determine their lanes because they have to reach the toll gate driving 100 km/h.

Further improvements to be made would be to permanently attach the Smart Tag to people’s foreheads to avoid them from reaching for the device last minute while driving into the gate and thus causing the system to malfunction.

A change in the law is also necessary, especially in the case of motorcycles and tailgaters.

Cars that crash during tailgating when the forward driver suddenly breaks will be considered suicide and will be charged with manslaughter caused by extreme idiocy.

Similarly, motorcyclists that die on the highway will be labelled as suicide by idiocy and, if he survives, will be charged with reckless endangerment. Should there be more than one person on the bike, it will be labelled a mass suicide.

Should tailgaters and motorcyclists survive, they shall be put on a blacklist in which every salesman approached for a vehicle purchase by these individuals have a right to defecate on them, slap them, piss on their foot or even spit on their faces .

Yang Dipertua, the government needs to accept the fact that stupid is what stupid does. As such, there’s no dealing with stupid, then to let such lives expire due to their own stupidity and arrogance.