281 posts tagged “malaysia”

(again, this is just satire)

Yang Dipertua,

It has come to my attention that slapping is now being a culture among Malaysians, particularly amongst teachers and students for their late attendance to classes. As such I wish to propose measures to ensure equality amongst Malaysians, as per the 1 Malaysian motto’s wish to increase performance.

Firstly, since students arriving 10 minutes late to classes will be slapped, teachers who arrives late of the same duration, or leaves classes early of the same duration, will be receiving a slap from every member of the class.

This also applies to students and lecturers in our higher learning centres.

Similarly, this culture must also be implemented in the workplace to encourage performance of employees as well as employers.

The slapping of employees arriving 10 minutes late to work will be encouraged, as will the slapping of managers by all his subordinates for arriving late of the same duration.

This culture will also be implemented into contractors who are late in their construction projects. For every 10 minute delay, the government, or owner of the project, and the financiers, are allowed to slap the contractor and members of the crew.

Similarly, to encourage the culture within the government, all government projects that are delayed will be punished with a slap for every 10 minute delay for the minister whose signature approved said project. The rakyat will also be allowed to take part in this culture. If the rakyat were to meet an MP that has yet to keep an electoral promise within his area, he is encouraged to slap the fellow MP for each 10 minute delay he has made for implementing his promises.

Yang Dipertua,

If somehow slapping a student for being 10 minutes late will encourage him to come in early and be on time, then I suggest, with our culture being one that wishes to put ‘performance now’, then we as the government should be the first to experience and put this into practice.

*slaps Anwar for failing his government takeover last September 16*

Road Recommendations for 1Malaysia

Yang Dipertua,

For those who may be clueless, Malaysians are among the most creative drivers in Asia.

This is based on the fact that they put their rude and thoughtless acts when they’re in person and follow it through behind the steering wheel as well.

I think it was about two years ago that I ranted on the perfect Malaysian car for sale in this nation.

First and foremost, it’s got to be cheap, since this is what Malaysians will always look for.

In lieu of the constant experiences on the road I actually came up with some suggestions for the Malaysian automotive industry to follow to make cars cheaper.

First and foremost, Malaysian cars should only have one headlight, since this appears to be the trend among Malaysian drivers. Also, remove the signal lights. Nobody uses them.

Thirdly, make the car a two seater with a fast revving engine that can cut into any queue in a traffic jam. Also, attach a claxon loud enough so that when someone vents, they can press the horn loud enough to attract the attention of the traffic police riders, which are nonexistent or merely there to escort VIPs.

Recently, their duties have added the additional need to become traffic lights for municipalities and town councils who are too cheap or stupid to switch their ancient timer systems to sensor technology.

In addition to this, all roundabouts should be flattened and made into crossroads, since every person driving from out of Shah Alam doesn’t know how to determine which lane to take while using one. And even then, they have a problem with queuing and even waiting for traffic lights.

Roads in Putrajaya will come with walls instead of dividers to avoid cars flipping over to the other side while driving too fast and losing control, to simply kill the idiotic driver instead of having the reckless driver survive and kill off an entire family which cushioned her fall as she flipped over.

During the festive season, while it is a tradition to give out coffee at rest stops, I suggest that we just get along with the fact that these acts are not lessening deaths on highways. Therefore, I put forth a motion that we stop bothering to give people coffee, and start handing out body bags instead to quicken the clearing of the highways to avoid massive jams.

In fact, whenever an accident occurs, perhaps we could get all those roadwork video screens to post pictures of the accident to stop people from needing to slow down to look at the accident. Furthermore, the picture must also show the license plates of the total vehicles clearly, so that some of us can get to the nearest 4D store and buy their numbers.

Heck, let Sports Toto open a booth right at the accident site.

All toll lanes are to be equipped with Smart Tag, Touch n Go and cash payment methods, since Malaysians being idiots can’t seem to understand just which lane to get to while reaching the toll plaza. This will increase the speed of traffic at toll gates, thus removing traffic jams caused by confused morons who can’t even be bothered to determine their lanes because they have to reach the toll gate driving 100 km/h.

Further improvements to be made would be to permanently attach the Smart Tag to people’s foreheads to avoid them from reaching for the device last minute while driving into the gate and thus causing the system to malfunction.

A change in the law is also necessary, especially in the case of motorcycles and tailgaters.

Cars that crash during tailgating when the forward driver suddenly breaks will be considered suicide and will be charged with manslaughter caused by extreme idiocy.

Similarly, motorcyclists that die on the highway will be labelled as suicide by idiocy and, if he survives, will be charged with reckless endangerment. Should there be more than one person on the bike, it will be labelled a mass suicide.

Should tailgaters and motorcyclists survive, they shall be put on a blacklist in which every salesman approached for a vehicle purchase by these individuals have a right to defecate on them, slap them, piss on their foot or even spit on their faces .

Yang Dipertua, the government needs to accept the fact that stupid is what stupid does. As such, there’s no dealing with stupid, then to let such lives expire due to their own stupidity and arrogance.

OCT 7 — I actually wanted to avoid saying or writing anything about Bagan Pinang because, to be honestly truthful, I’ve run out of vodka.

Giving the corrupt a chance

Seriously, how else can you make sense of the statements coming out from Umno politicians justifying this and remain sober?

First off, we had our very own “esteemed” Home Minister come out and say that Tan Sri Isa Samad was “a loyal servant of the party”, regardless of the fact that he was found guilty of vote buying during the Umno elections.

Our Home Minister even added that Isa is the “people’s choice”.

Well, here’s a history lesson. Adolf Hitler was the “people’s choice”.

So was George Bush 2.0.

And we all know how well those two turned out.

In addition to that, it’s just the description of how exactly Isa is a party loyalist that gets to me.

Apparently, if you get a bad deal from the party called Umno and shut up about it, you’re considered a loyalist. But make enough noise, invite enough supporters into your home to listen to your side of the story, and you can expect balaclava-clad Special Branch members to break in and take you away.

Seriously, how does one make sense of any of this?

You can’t.

And people wonder why I drink?

Giving the guilty a chance

Fine, since we’re giving guilty people a chance, I think I would have liked to have given Mona Fandey a chance, because she highlighted to us just how dumb a Malaysian politician can truly be.

Just how exactly could an assemblyman, who studied in the United States, fall for a scam by an ex-pop singer promising a boost in his political career for the price of RM2.5 million?

And, of course, he just had to be an Umno assemblyman.

From Pahang, even.

This brings me to my next point.

If we’re letting corrupt representatives run for office, guilty of vote buying, then perhaps the government would also like to step in for other guilty parties by allowing “the people” to choose.

Heck, if that were the case, the Home Ministry wouldn’t have sabotaged its online poll on the Internal Security Act, which was basically what caused the swing to my now anti-ISA stance.

Not because I don’t agree with the law, it’s because I agree with one fact.

It is “the people’s choice”.

Giving entertainment a chance

This is the same stance I take when dealing with entertainment as well, especially against religious people.

Personally, I don’t see why they’re so against Beyonce coming to Malaysia. For those who may not know this, Beyonce is actually a conservative Christian and a registered Republican.

And even then, if the religious people have a problem with seeing Beyonce, why don’t they just look away or ban their kids from going?

What’s this need to stop me from watching her perform “Single Ladies”?

I’m not going to get turned on by it.

If anything, I’d probably just want to recall the dance routine.

Similarly, I don’t actually see why we need to be so harsh on underage club goers, especially since all they do is dance around getting high on music or sugar from Coke or Sprite.

Heck, some of these guys and gals may dress up rather provocatively, but then these are the ones you find drinking RM10 bottles of mineral water and dancing from 10.30pm to 3am the next day.

Contrary to popular belief, most teenage club goers and those in their early and mid-20s would actually sit at the nearest mamak and sober up over chai before driving home.

And if they haven’t sobered up, they’re fine enough to let someone else do the driving.

And for those thinking that this leads to promiscuity, think again.

They’re too tired dancing to Lady Gaga or the Pussy Cat Dolls or even Ciara to even think of having sex.

If this government or any political representative insists that we need to give corrupt people a chance to run a state for being a “loyal servant for the party”, then I’d like to put forth a better idea.

What about this. Let’s give the rakyat a chance.

Let’s give Perak a second chance to determine just who they really want to run their state by giving them a statewide election.

Let’s give Muslims a chance to determine whether they want to be charged under civil or syariah law.

Let’s give the people a say in whether or not they want the ISA to be repealed, amended or maintained without sabotage.

And, of course, let’s give people a chance to decide whether or not they want to try beer, clubbing, smoking and watching Beyonce, without having the religious right decide what’s good for them.

I was really surprised that people can take offense with me hugging a friend.

And of all the places this girl decided to highlight her displeasure, she chose to do it via Private Message on Facebook. The only reason her message got through the filter is due to the fact that I allow the friends of friends to drop me a line.

I call it controlled transparency.

While I'm not sure what the English word for "meluat" is, it's probably in line with disgusted. And considering that I've frenched guys in public, she was apparently disgusted with me "hugging" people?

Furthermore, she states that I'm an embarrassment to the Muslim community. Really? For hugging?

You know, I don't find it disgusting to hug people, or even trees for that matter. Whichever's your preference really.

But to be disgusted by a person hugging in public? I find that highly offensive, especially coming from a person who's only mutual friend happens to be a local politician that stands for the need for "national unity".

So to Ms. Adrian Hsu, who's only mutual link to me on Facebook is Tian Chua, the PKR Member of Parliament from Batu, Kuala Lumpur, I honestly think you should consider how disgusted you are, because I'm pretty sure just about right now, more people are disgusted with you.

I was asked yesterday if I knew of teenagers who were having sex out of wedlock and my reaction was, of course, one of shock.

There are teens having sex while IN wedlock?

Regardless of how one might think that they are religious and that they are raising their kids to be remarkable moral citizens, parents should actually know that teens, particularly the ones I hang out with, are having sex.

If you're wondering what I mean by sex, I'm talking about oral, anal and perhaps for some teens, well gay sex.

Let's be very frank.

Teenagers are hormonal to the point of imbalance, and personally I believe no amount of piety will stop them from having sex or masturbating.

You may not want to hear this, parents, but yes. Your teens are having sex, or thinking about sex, or watching porn and masturbating.

You could grill them like the MACC, and you probably would still get stonewalled. And by stonewall, I'm not talking about the gay rights movement.

In this day and age, where porn can be downloaded and shared via the Internet, or even bought from a pirated DVD seller at a pasar malam, you can't actually control the flow.

However, you can control the outcome of whatever it is that teens do.

First off, if you really, really must, go ahead and preach religion.

Then comes the better part. Preach contraception and protection.

When I say this, I'm talking about condoms, birth control pills, STDs, and perhaps even a few talks on what to do in case of pregnancy.

But most of all, please remember to do it with the love of a parent for a child. Teenage years are a confusing time for most of them.

It is amazing, is it not?

With the rising crime rates all around the nation, the police finally managed to curb an illegal gathering by taking personnel from four separate states to bring down an anti-ISA rally.

If only they showed such enthusiasm in weeding out rapists, rempits and robberies. And of course, white collar criminals as well.

My principal belief on the ISA are well known, even if some would brand me uncivilised, apparently. But people can believe whatever they want.

Here are the few things that I found wrongful about the protest in KL last weekend from both sides of the divide.

Firstly, although it was meant to supposedly represent the people of the "entire" nation, let me just say this. Leave my name out of it. I don't justify an illegal gathering simply by stating that I'm against a draconian law.

Instead, I'd rather arrange an open session with MPs from both side of the divide to get together and find a common ground on what can and cannot be undone in the ISA.

For one thing, the total repeal is not viable. However, the issue of detention time within the law and the lacking in legal representation is inhumane and can be undone. Therefore, a push for amendments is viable.

Secondly, I disagree with the involvement of kids and minors in protests, even if they are the children of those being detained under the ISA.

Why drag your 10-year-old and 13-year-old kid to protests?

What is the justification for this? Why get your kids involved with water cannons and tear gas canisters?

If anything, all it shows are that parents from certain quarters take no heed in the safety of their kids. If it is found that parents do bring their kids to such rallies, then I think they should be put behind bars for 10 years, as highlighted today.

Thirdly, the police did not take down the protest with "unnecessary force" since they have mentioned and warned beforehand that it would be taken down with all the force it could muster. That was a warning.

For 20,000 people not to heed it and then come out criticising it is merely an act of denying that the police were doing their duty with the authority granted to them within the boundaries of the law.

And then for a senior Opposition MP to think that the protest was put down hard because apparently he criticised the IGP makes no sense. Because if people criticising the IGP were doused with water cannons and tear gas, I would have probably been dragged to a forest reserve, had C4 stuffed up my rear end and blown to bits.

The police did what they had to do. Similarly if the protesters were arrested and remanded, they did what they thought they had to do and now have to bear the consequences.

If anything, I now hope that Malaysians know one thing for sure.

The problem here is not the law enforcement.

It's the law itself.

And why is the law a problem?

Because it allows for abuse.

Who made it this way?

We all did, one way or another.

Primarily by being apathetic towards the continuous amendments to our Federal Constitution since the 80's and 90's, which, taking my age, would have been obviously impossible for me to rant about.

So how do we change the law?

Not through protests, but through the application of pressure via other avenues available without the sensationalism seeked out by the Opposition as the did last week.

Tun Dr. Ismail highlighted the importance of the press in ensuring that laws are not abused.

Similarly, I would take the same approach.

The media is an unstoppable and uncontrollable force that this nation cannot control, especially with the evolution of technology.

Similarly, open discussions on the rationale from both sides are required to find a middle ground. What is the ISA needed for? What can be fixed with the ISA? What components within the ISA and the laws of other nations that are similar?

What about the adherence to the UDHR? Is there a middle ground with that?

We live in supposedly a society which above all else pushes for intellectual discussions. It is sad to note that most of our leaders from both sides lack the intellect and statesmanship to push for this instead of going to the streets.

As per my article in The Malaysian Insider:

Let me just be very open about my opinion of you, so we can get that out of the way.

I would think a nation’s leader has to have an image of a statesman, and not have enough excess baggage to give AirAsia a profitable smile.

That aside, I would like to lay down some challenges that I’m sure you could address, especially since you have at least 40 years of experience in Malaysian politics.

First Challenge: Amend the ISA

In your appointment speech, you undid the ban on two news publications, released 13 ISA detainees and, most importantly, started a comprehensive review of the Internal Security Act. I would like to address the third item.

I challenge you to actually amend the ISA in line with the standards of the West, which adhere to the principles of human rights. This would include shorter detention time, supervision of the detainees against abuse as well as the need to address the abuses of this law.

This is not an easy challenge because it would include reaching out to the Opposition to fulfil the need for unbiased supervision, as well as checks and balances.

Second Challenge: Reform the police force

Similarly, it is time to change the Inspector General of Police, for his failure to address the continued increase in crime rates.

Crimes that need addressing, of course, do not include illegal gatherings and your political oppositions’ events, particularly vigils with ‘highly flammable candles’, party dinners with ‘dangerous audio equipment’ and hunger strikes with ‘deadly balloons’.

Focus instead on crimes that threaten the livelihood of the people and put them in mortal danger.

Third Challenge: Media liberalisation

Dearest Prime Minister, the media can be for you or against you, and as Lord Jeffrey Archer mentions, the power of the Fourth Estate is absolute and important.

The media now consists of not only the newspapers, but also the online communities and portals that bring to light issues the traditional media does not.

Try as you may, you cannot control the Internet. The Internet controls you. As such, it is time to liberalise not only the news media, but the entirety of media.

This includes the Internet, television, movies and publications. For too long, Malaysians have been sheltered by the government from issues that exist; issues that have been denied and misunderstood by the rakyat due to the lack of information available, besides what’s obtainable on the Internet.

That needs to change.

Open, formal discussions of such issues in the media will encourage the growth of Malaysian intellect and cater to a more open Malaysian society, regardless of race, religion, politics and even sexual orientation.

Fourth Challenge: Protection of minorities

While I may not be labelled nor label myself as a representative of a certain group, as how Karpal Singh brands himself the representative of the “orang kurang upaya”, I challenge you to work towards the protection of the social minority.

This minority consists of gays, bisexuals, lesbians, transvestites and transsexuals in this nation, who face constant harassment by the authorities via the existence of Penal Code 377 and the Syariah law.

You, dearest Prime Minister, have the power to undo the former, and suggest a need to address the latter.

It is with this knowledge that I put forth the call to repeal Penal Code 377, which is a breach of human rights as well as the right to privacy, in its entirety.

With India now officially repealing laws against consensual same-sex intercourse, the West now allowing gay marriage and even Korea acknowledging the success of its transvestite community, it is about time that Malaysia steps up to the plate.

Conclusion

What you have done in 100 days is to basically undo your political opposition’s memorandum piecemeal, by removing the 30 per cent Bumiputera equity requirement, liberalising the multitude of industries and, even now, looking at lowering the toll rates.

These are all economic issues to ensure the nation’s growth on an economic scale. These, however, do not encourage the growth of human intellect and the evolution of a Malaysian society towards unity.

I believe all of these challenges are in line with your 1Malaysia, a concept which should be defined by a people governed by those who strive towards an inclusive nation, one that does not discriminate against a person’s gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, politics and class.

So I got another freelance writing job here in Malaysia. Here's the link:

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/opinion/hafidz-baharom/30171-just-what-exactly-is-1-malaysia

Enjoy reading, everyone.

I seldom take a stance on the issue of Perak because I consider it a state issue. However, since our Home Minister has commented that the removal of the former Speaker Sivakumar by the police is within the Standing Orders of Perak state, I have to interject.

See, this is where being an independent makes you a rational and better human being than being a biased nutcase on either side. You actually seek out information for yourself.

http://www.digitalibrary.my/index.php?view=article&catid=75%3Astanding-orders&id=901%3Astanding-orders-of-the-state-legislative-assembly-of-perak-darul-ridzuan&option=com_content&Itemid=25

Referring to the PDF file provided above, page 28, Standing Order 44 (2):

"The Chair shall order any member whose conduct is grossly disorderly to withdraw immediately from the Assembly during the remainder of that day's sitting, and the Bentara Dewan shall act on such orders as he may receive from the Chair in pursuance of this Standing Order"

The standing order specifically states that the Bentara Dewan shall act on such orders, not the police. Therefore, the government of Perak has every right to sue the police and the Home Minister, as Hishamuddin Tun Hussein suggests.

Politics is hypocrisy, which makes politicians the greatest hypocrites on Earth. Any doubt of such was erased just reading the papers right after the PAS Muktamar when you had their leaders at first chastise each other for wanting to form a 'unity government' with UMNO and then mention that they won't be 'joining UMNO'.

Okay. Just what the heck does that mean?

Imagine this.

Let's just say PAS joins the government side. Now we all know that when it comes to voting a resolution in our Parliament, the whip is enforced unless otherwise mentioned.

So then pray tell, just how is PAS going to influence any motion by the government?

Even if they don't vote it won't make much of a difference.

Do you see the irrationality right here?

Well sure, their quest for Malay unity and perhaps more power in handling religious affairs of state would be increased, but in the end it's nothing more than just a smokescreen.

There's only one reason PAS would switch sides and that is to further their goal for a more increasingly religiously conservative government.

And it's obvious that such an objective cannot be met with DAP and PKR, particularly since it has already been stated that such policies will not come to pass without all three parties within the PR's agreement.

With that in mind, what is PAS but basically a courtesan whoring around to see who can give her more power to achieve her ambitions?

Mata Hari had more credibility.