Posts

(again, this is just satire)

Yang Dipertua,

It has come to my attention that slapping is now being a culture among Malaysians, particularly amongst teachers and students for their late attendance to classes. As such I wish to propose measures to ensure equality amongst Malaysians, as per the 1 Malaysian motto’s wish to increase performance.

Firstly, since students arriving 10 minutes late to classes will be slapped, teachers who arrives late of the same duration, or leaves classes early of the same duration, will be receiving a slap from every member of the class.

This also applies to students and lecturers in our higher learning centres.

Similarly, this culture must also be implemented in the workplace to encourage performance of employees as well as employers.

The slapping of employees arriving 10 minutes late to work will be encouraged, as will the slapping of managers by all his subordinates for arriving late of the same duration.

This culture will also be implemented into contractors who are late in their construction projects. For every 10 minute delay, the government, or owner of the project, and the financiers, are allowed to slap the contractor and members of the crew.

Similarly, to encourage the culture within the government, all government projects that are delayed will be punished with a slap for every 10 minute delay for the minister whose signature approved said project. The rakyat will also be allowed to take part in this culture. If the rakyat were to meet an MP that has yet to keep an electoral promise within his area, he is encouraged to slap the fellow MP for each 10 minute delay he has made for implementing his promises.

Yang Dipertua,

If somehow slapping a student for being 10 minutes late will encourage him to come in early and be on time, then I suggest, with our culture being one that wishes to put ‘performance now’, then we as the government should be the first to experience and put this into practice.

*slaps Anwar for failing his government takeover last September 16*

Road Recommendations for 1Malaysia

Yang Dipertua,

For those who may be clueless, Malaysians are among the most creative drivers in Asia.

This is based on the fact that they put their rude and thoughtless acts when they’re in person and follow it through behind the steering wheel as well.

I think it was about two years ago that I ranted on the perfect Malaysian car for sale in this nation.

First and foremost, it’s got to be cheap, since this is what Malaysians will always look for.

In lieu of the constant experiences on the road I actually came up with some suggestions for the Malaysian automotive industry to follow to make cars cheaper.

First and foremost, Malaysian cars should only have one headlight, since this appears to be the trend among Malaysian drivers. Also, remove the signal lights. Nobody uses them.

Thirdly, make the car a two seater with a fast revving engine that can cut into any queue in a traffic jam. Also, attach a claxon loud enough so that when someone vents, they can press the horn loud enough to attract the attention of the traffic police riders, which are nonexistent or merely there to escort VIPs.

Recently, their duties have added the additional need to become traffic lights for municipalities and town councils who are too cheap or stupid to switch their ancient timer systems to sensor technology.

In addition to this, all roundabouts should be flattened and made into crossroads, since every person driving from out of Shah Alam doesn’t know how to determine which lane to take while using one. And even then, they have a problem with queuing and even waiting for traffic lights.

Roads in Putrajaya will come with walls instead of dividers to avoid cars flipping over to the other side while driving too fast and losing control, to simply kill the idiotic driver instead of having the reckless driver survive and kill off an entire family which cushioned her fall as she flipped over.

During the festive season, while it is a tradition to give out coffee at rest stops, I suggest that we just get along with the fact that these acts are not lessening deaths on highways. Therefore, I put forth a motion that we stop bothering to give people coffee, and start handing out body bags instead to quicken the clearing of the highways to avoid massive jams.

In fact, whenever an accident occurs, perhaps we could get all those roadwork video screens to post pictures of the accident to stop people from needing to slow down to look at the accident. Furthermore, the picture must also show the license plates of the total vehicles clearly, so that some of us can get to the nearest 4D store and buy their numbers.

Heck, let Sports Toto open a booth right at the accident site.

All toll lanes are to be equipped with Smart Tag, Touch n Go and cash payment methods, since Malaysians being idiots can’t seem to understand just which lane to get to while reaching the toll plaza. This will increase the speed of traffic at toll gates, thus removing traffic jams caused by confused morons who can’t even be bothered to determine their lanes because they have to reach the toll gate driving 100 km/h.

Further improvements to be made would be to permanently attach the Smart Tag to people’s foreheads to avoid them from reaching for the device last minute while driving into the gate and thus causing the system to malfunction.

A change in the law is also necessary, especially in the case of motorcycles and tailgaters.

Cars that crash during tailgating when the forward driver suddenly breaks will be considered suicide and will be charged with manslaughter caused by extreme idiocy.

Similarly, motorcyclists that die on the highway will be labelled as suicide by idiocy and, if he survives, will be charged with reckless endangerment. Should there be more than one person on the bike, it will be labelled a mass suicide.

Should tailgaters and motorcyclists survive, they shall be put on a blacklist in which every salesman approached for a vehicle purchase by these individuals have a right to defecate on them, slap them, piss on their foot or even spit on their faces .

Yang Dipertua, the government needs to accept the fact that stupid is what stupid does. As such, there’s no dealing with stupid, then to let such lives expire due to their own stupidity and arrogance.

Well, my birthday was yesterday on the 19th of October. I'm 26. In other words, I am old and I have the gray hairs to prove it.

Or that could be the results of writing about politics.

So....what should I write here?

Let's start with this..

DSC00300

That's right, I got a ring. In fact, it's the first ring I've ever worn, given to me by the guy I love.

That was what the weekend was about. Getting to know a guy I've been head over heels for the past 2 months, who I've known for at least 4 months.

An interesting development, I'd think.

It was also the first time he offered me the papers to keep up with national politics and I turned it down. It wasn't a time for me to get all pensive and consider what to write, when I only have a weekend with him since he's working out of town.

Ugh...I hate it when I miss out.

Firstly, I apologize profusely for being absent since early August. It's been a hectic and troubling few months for me, with some anxiety and perhaps even some cheer in the forms of finding myself a guy.

And a few friends.

And then there was Eid Mubarak, a few parties, a few nights out at the clubs, and perhaps even some intense forums on Human Rights in which I played the Devil's advocate for the first time in years and almost got myself involved in a physical altercation because I stated one simple fact.

If people insist on adhering to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, then I should be able to make out with a guy in public.

Instead of the typical response of 'go get a room', I got branded an abomination (typical) and had a glass thrown at me. Apparently religious conservatives don't exactly have the same patience to discuss things rationally as they would in the United States.

Ladies and gents,

Devastatingly announcing the death of Stephen Gately, former member of Boyzone.

OCT 7 — I actually wanted to avoid saying or writing anything about Bagan Pinang because, to be honestly truthful, I’ve run out of vodka.

Giving the corrupt a chance

Seriously, how else can you make sense of the statements coming out from Umno politicians justifying this and remain sober?

First off, we had our very own “esteemed” Home Minister come out and say that Tan Sri Isa Samad was “a loyal servant of the party”, regardless of the fact that he was found guilty of vote buying during the Umno elections.

Our Home Minister even added that Isa is the “people’s choice”.

Well, here’s a history lesson. Adolf Hitler was the “people’s choice”.

So was George Bush 2.0.

And we all know how well those two turned out.

In addition to that, it’s just the description of how exactly Isa is a party loyalist that gets to me.

Apparently, if you get a bad deal from the party called Umno and shut up about it, you’re considered a loyalist. But make enough noise, invite enough supporters into your home to listen to your side of the story, and you can expect balaclava-clad Special Branch members to break in and take you away.

Seriously, how does one make sense of any of this?

You can’t.

And people wonder why I drink?

Giving the guilty a chance

Fine, since we’re giving guilty people a chance, I think I would have liked to have given Mona Fandey a chance, because she highlighted to us just how dumb a Malaysian politician can truly be.

Just how exactly could an assemblyman, who studied in the United States, fall for a scam by an ex-pop singer promising a boost in his political career for the price of RM2.5 million?

And, of course, he just had to be an Umno assemblyman.

From Pahang, even.

This brings me to my next point.

If we’re letting corrupt representatives run for office, guilty of vote buying, then perhaps the government would also like to step in for other guilty parties by allowing “the people” to choose.

Heck, if that were the case, the Home Ministry wouldn’t have sabotaged its online poll on the Internal Security Act, which was basically what caused the swing to my now anti-ISA stance.

Not because I don’t agree with the law, it’s because I agree with one fact.

It is “the people’s choice”.

Giving entertainment a chance

This is the same stance I take when dealing with entertainment as well, especially against religious people.

Personally, I don’t see why they’re so against Beyonce coming to Malaysia. For those who may not know this, Beyonce is actually a conservative Christian and a registered Republican.

And even then, if the religious people have a problem with seeing Beyonce, why don’t they just look away or ban their kids from going?

What’s this need to stop me from watching her perform “Single Ladies”?

I’m not going to get turned on by it.

If anything, I’d probably just want to recall the dance routine.

Similarly, I don’t actually see why we need to be so harsh on underage club goers, especially since all they do is dance around getting high on music or sugar from Coke or Sprite.

Heck, some of these guys and gals may dress up rather provocatively, but then these are the ones you find drinking RM10 bottles of mineral water and dancing from 10.30pm to 3am the next day.

Contrary to popular belief, most teenage club goers and those in their early and mid-20s would actually sit at the nearest mamak and sober up over chai before driving home.

And if they haven’t sobered up, they’re fine enough to let someone else do the driving.

And for those thinking that this leads to promiscuity, think again.

They’re too tired dancing to Lady Gaga or the Pussy Cat Dolls or even Ciara to even think of having sex.

If this government or any political representative insists that we need to give corrupt people a chance to run a state for being a “loyal servant for the party”, then I’d like to put forth a better idea.

What about this. Let’s give the rakyat a chance.

Let’s give Perak a second chance to determine just who they really want to run their state by giving them a statewide election.

Let’s give Muslims a chance to determine whether they want to be charged under civil or syariah law.

Let’s give the people a say in whether or not they want the ISA to be repealed, amended or maintained without sabotage.

And, of course, let’s give people a chance to decide whether or not they want to try beer, clubbing, smoking and watching Beyonce, without having the religious right decide what’s good for them.

I was really surprised that people can take offense with me hugging a friend.

And of all the places this girl decided to highlight her displeasure, she chose to do it via Private Message on Facebook. The only reason her message got through the filter is due to the fact that I allow the friends of friends to drop me a line.

I call it controlled transparency.

While I'm not sure what the English word for "meluat" is, it's probably in line with disgusted. And considering that I've frenched guys in public, she was apparently disgusted with me "hugging" people?

Furthermore, she states that I'm an embarrassment to the Muslim community. Really? For hugging?

You know, I don't find it disgusting to hug people, or even trees for that matter. Whichever's your preference really.

But to be disgusted by a person hugging in public? I find that highly offensive, especially coming from a person who's only mutual friend happens to be a local politician that stands for the need for "national unity".

So to Ms. Adrian Hsu, who's only mutual link to me on Facebook is Tian Chua, the PKR Member of Parliament from Batu, Kuala Lumpur, I honestly think you should consider how disgusted you are, because I'm pretty sure just about right now, more people are disgusted with you.

I was asked yesterday if I knew of teenagers who were having sex out of wedlock and my reaction was, of course, one of shock.

There are teens having sex while IN wedlock?

Regardless of how one might think that they are religious and that they are raising their kids to be remarkable moral citizens, parents should actually know that teens, particularly the ones I hang out with, are having sex.

If you're wondering what I mean by sex, I'm talking about oral, anal and perhaps for some teens, well gay sex.

Let's be very frank.

Teenagers are hormonal to the point of imbalance, and personally I believe no amount of piety will stop them from having sex or masturbating.

You may not want to hear this, parents, but yes. Your teens are having sex, or thinking about sex, or watching porn and masturbating.

You could grill them like the MACC, and you probably would still get stonewalled. And by stonewall, I'm not talking about the gay rights movement.

In this day and age, where porn can be downloaded and shared via the Internet, or even bought from a pirated DVD seller at a pasar malam, you can't actually control the flow.

However, you can control the outcome of whatever it is that teens do.

First off, if you really, really must, go ahead and preach religion.

Then comes the better part. Preach contraception and protection.

When I say this, I'm talking about condoms, birth control pills, STDs, and perhaps even a few talks on what to do in case of pregnancy.

But most of all, please remember to do it with the love of a parent for a child. Teenage years are a confusing time for most of them.

AUG 5 — Let me first point out for those who may not have noticed just yet that I’m neither anti-ISA nor pro-ISA entirely.

I’m pro-amendment of the ISA to become strictly an anti-terrorist law with oversight from the opposition, the judiciary and human rights groups.

I don’t support any political entity in this nation that insists on using the ISA as a battle cry.

Similarly, I don’t support the need for illegal gatherings that cause such a ruckus with the involvement of minors and the loss of income for certain quarters.

Though I seriously doubt that the businesses lost a total of RM100 million to RM200 million on that day, I do believe that there was some loss, particularly by stores in two of the malls in Jalan Sultan Ismail, Kuala Lumpur — Pertama Complex and Sogo.

I do agree with the need to allow expression of public opinion. However, I fully disagree with the notion that such freedoms should be allowed on the streets of Kuala Lumpur.

If anything, the best place to hold such gatherings would be similar to holding the rally for the late DAP political secretary in a stadium in Petaling Jaya.

Subsequently, I would think that whosoever that took part in the protest knowingly did so and therefore they knew what to expect when the police and the Home Ministry announced that strong measures would be taken to deter such a rally.

For anyone to cry foul over the police taking a strong stance against an illegal gathering is therefore irrelevant and ludicrous.

The ISA and real security threats

Let us face facts then.

The Internal Security Act, while draconian, is not without justification in the handling of cases involving terrorism.

However, the Act itself is being abused by the Executive and the police in quelling the voices of those who oppose the government in power, not the nation itself.

This can be seen by the use of the Act in the silencing of political voices which I do not agree with, particularly in the detention of reporters apparently “for their safety”, politicians for “funding a mosque” or even a well-known three-initialled royal-cum-blogger who listens to “little birds” and can prove their innocence if they only turned up in a court of law instead of turning tail.

These are not considered “internal security threats”.

People throwing Molotov cocktails at buildings, the family homes of politicians and even ATMs, however, are security threats.

People who somehow influenced forex trading of the ringgit without the knowledge of the Executive, thus putting the nation at economic risk, are security threats.

People who abuse both physically and emotionally those under detainment, without proof of guilt, are security threats.

People who keep information from the public simply because it shows their negligence in serving the public are a security threat. This includes the amount of taxpayer dollars spent on wasted white elephant projects that have yet to be released to the taxpayers themselves.

People who generate political sensationalism and incite the masses with racial or religious hatred are a security threat.

All these people, I honestly think, include both sides of the political spectrum.

The ISA, UDHR and hypocrisy

To claim that the ISA is against the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) is in fact very true.

Similarly, laws that justify the arrests of those who take part in anal sex otherwise known as carnal intercourse, i.e. Penal Code 377 and the institution of Sharia law, are also against the UDHR.

Laws that discriminate against the showing of public affection are also against the UDHR.

Laws that stop transsexuals from getting their identity cards changed are also against the UDHR.

Also, the UDHR allows the freedom of conversion of religion.

The UDHR also protects the right to inter-religious marriages.

The UDHR also allows the right for employment, regardless of an individual’s sexuality or belief.

Do PAS and other members of the GMI support this as well?

So I would think that if we seriously want to adhere to the UDHR, then religious authorities would have to undo that law as well, correct?

Or are we going to be hypocritical about what we wish to take from the UDHR as well?

For anyone to point out that the ISA is inhumane yet still allow other laws to be in place to discriminate others of differing stances on sexual orientation, gender policy or even religious conversion reeks of hypocrisy.

So please.

Don’t even think of using the UDHR to justify your actions, because you’re being equally hypocritical in not accepting it in its entirety. And I think a lot of Malaysians have been misled by those who insist on this; among them religious-based political parties and their supporters.