Aput’s Neighborhood

It's not like I didn't give you a choice before, and it's not like I've never wanted more than what we had or what we're having. I don't blame myself for this indecision, you put me up to this, I put myself up to this. I can't stand lingering over the fact that there might or might not be something going on, I can't just sit here waiting for something to happen. No doubt I'm still not over you, no doubt I'm too attached to you to move onto something new. I've never wanted someone so badly, like this, before. I didn't want it to mean that much to me, to be honest, I've never wanted to fall this deep into something I used to despise with passion.
 
But yeah as a friend once said to me, "once you've fucked around as much as you have in life, it probably means something when you get attached to a person like this".

All I'll be doing for the next few days is: paint paint paint snap snap snap.
Two photography assignments at a time is a killer. I don't remember photography being this stressful?
 
I've been in pretty shit moods, I think I'll put the blame on my menstrual cycle this time. I haven't been the nicest person around, but I feel apologies are unnecessary considering I've been exploding at a few people for acceptable reasons. I don't remember the last time I teared out of stress or being tired. It was probably months ago, even before SPM. In a way I kind of miss having so many things going on at once. It's like reassurance that I'm not really wasting my life away.
 
I've never appreciated quiet Friday nights as much as I do tonight. And it's nice to know that there are people out there who can make me smile, when I feel as crappy, in the simplest ways without even realising it, out of all the others who try so far but end up making me feel like they should be sued for their pathetic attempts.
 
I think I shall continue painting now, and sleep for the next 12 hours.
 
p/s do not walk into class with a bloodshot eye, unless you're the type who likes the attention.

So I spent my night doing part of my college assignment at my brother's place last night. I realised how relaxing it was to sit down with them doing work, my brother and Shaen with their models and myself with my stupid colour wheel. And considering they're fully equipped with all the art things I need, it was really convenient, since I don't have shit. My brother pointed out that it was one of the many reasons he wanted me to move in with them. But of course it's too far away from my own college. But if it were closer and if I had a car I would really consider doing so.
 
It's motivating me to change my former maid's room into my very own studio/study room, since it's currently vacant, collecting dust and becoming an attraction for fat ass cockroaches. And since I hardly have enough space to do work in my own room, I might as well use up that room for better reasons than a stupid entertainment room my aunt was planning on having.
 
I'm really happy with my course, although I am currently doing foundation in arts so it's very basic for now. But I guess what I'm trying to say is if you fight for it, you get what you want eventually. And it's worth it. I don't even find it a burden to wake up early and get my ass to class nowadays. In fact, I'll be up really early, really fresh and I can't wait to get to class. And on another note, I found out that Shuz got into fashion, her first choice. And I'm really happy for her because of that.
 
Enough talk, I shall go bathe now and get ready to smash the fucking bunnies!

College is interesting. Kot? But I can't help but think I have zero socializing skills. Sure, it seems like I communicate with others pretty easily. But I can't seem to make friends in college that easily, compared to everyone else. Everyone in class has their own groups (or pairs) of friends, even on the first day, and I'm usually the freak that sits alone in class, before and after, or during smoke breaks, etc.
The people are nice, though. Some of them have even attempted to talk to me, asking my name and what course I'm doing. And I think some even tried asking me to hang out with them for lunch yesterday, but I was oblivious to this and said I was going for lunch with Shiresh and Rafique instead. I even have this thing where I hardly even smile when I talk back to them. It kinda sucks, not being able to be all that nice to them when their approaches are completely innocent.
 
Am I that timid when it comes to making friends? Damn!

"She has to go for rhinoplasty, you nak kena lose weight je" - myratron.
 
See?
 
I start college tomorrow. Ask me personally for details.
Feels weird though. It feels like I've been putting it off for too long, but I'm actually entering at the right time.
And then there's indecision. Oh indecision.

It's annoying how some people texted/IM-ed me today out of the blue asking about my results, when I haven't heard from some of them in ages. It's not that we don't have each others' contact numbers or emails, we just don't speak anymore. All the more reason why I feel my results shouldn't matter to them. Not that I'm proud or upset with my results to the point that I would say something like that. It's just the way I feel. My mother on the other hand, is a different story. In fact, I'm glad she texted. She may not know it but I miss her so much, even if we're not close to begin with.
 
It took me a while to get myself to open the slip. And once I did, I felt nothing. Funny how I wasn't freaking out about anything throughout, I was even reluctant to know it at all. I kept telling my parents that I'm sorry I don't care about it, it just seems pointless to get all worked up about something that's only important to get me into college. And it will.
 
I guess I can say I'm pleased with my results. I probably deserved worse considering the fact that I hardly touched my books last year and was under the influence of just about anything throughout the year. Unlike others who worked hard for it an either earned what they got or deserved better considering they put in more effort. I feel bad for them, cause to most people I know who are my age, their results actually mattered to them. Me, I don't deserve what I got. But I'm pleased, nonetheless. I guess?
 
Now to register for college.

I haven't been at home.
 
Only two nights away and I'm already feeling a little nostalgic. I've recently felt that way because of my sudden reconciliation with Rafique, but now I'm actually starting to feel a certain loss of...identity? I'm not sure anymore.
I am comfortable physically, but not emotionally. I've been taken care of very well, and in good company. I've been given comfortable beds, sufficient/excess food, even goddamn wifi access, and I have everything I survived on at home with me. Yet I still feel that there's something about my life now that's never coming back.
I spend my days rolling on the floor in front of my laptop, staring and concentrating as if there's anything on when the truth is I've been staring at an empty screen. Sometimes I stop to write something in my notebooks, or read a few chapters of a book. I also stop for meals and to bathe, and maybe a little socializing, but even then most my conversations go on while I'm doing everything else. I don't know what's the point in anything anymore. I can't say I'm disconnected from everything but I feel somewhat...lonely. Empty.
Wanna know the worst part?:
 
I think I no longer have a home.

About a week ago I got a call from Celebrity Fitness. I'm sure we all know what the phone call was like/about. I've gotten the same call last year and I replied to them the same thing I did last time. But this time it was probably a bit more harsh due to my PMS. This is how it went:
 
*phone rings*
Me: Hello?
Fucktard: Hi this is [God knows what his name was] calling from Celebrity Fitness, a friend of yours-
Me: Look a hundred of people have been given the same phone call and I know what this is about so save your breath, I understand you're only trying to do your job and I respect that, but I'll do you a favour by picking up the damn phone, and you do me a favour by calling up that friend who gave you this phone number again and tell him or her that I don't need to lose weight to feel good about myself, or that he or she should stop binging on those goddamn J.CO or Big Apple donuts for once.
 
And I hung up.
 
I admit this was rather rude. I do however feel strongly about what I said. The only reason we have so many goddamn gyms opening here and there is because you fucking Malaysians can't fucking get over donuts. It's just, donuts. I don't even know why you people are going crazy over them, lining up in long lines just to get them. I, personally, love Krispe Kreme, but I wouldn't want it to open up here in KL. Why? Imagine if it did, it'll ruin the fun, and it won't be special anymore. And the next time I go overseas and see a Krispy Kreme shop I'd probably be sick of seeing it.
 
How much can I bet with you that only a small quantity of gym members are actually there for fitness and health, while the other part consist of girls obsessed over their favourite fucking celebrities, consciously worried about their after-lipo bodies' shapes or guys wanting that six-pack abs strong arms as if it makes them more of a man. The old folks with bellies that grew with age or alcohol content though, I pity. Poor guys, can't even live the rest of their living years peacefully without their women wanting them to lose weight while they themselves stay at home watching the Asian Food Channel and popping those pills as if it really prevents cancer (and they call us druggies). And the rest of them? Want to shed that extra fat? Do you know why you're there in the first place? Blame it on that Carl's Jr burger you had for lunch, and..WOW I WONDER WHAT WAS FOR TEA!
 
Seriously though. What's, the fucking, use? Why live like that?
 
And then a few minutes ago I had this short conversation with my aunt:
 
Her: I shouldn't be at home I have so much work to do. [whines]
Me: So instead of finishing your work you're...going to the gym?
Me: Pft, why not get donuts while you're at it, since Parade just opened one.
Her: Eh yeah, Big Apple! Mmmm.
 
And I got up, went to my room and typed this post.