I haven't been at home.
Only two nights away and I'm already feeling a little nostalgic. I've recently felt that way because of my sudden reconciliation with Rafique, but now I'm actually starting to feel a certain loss of...identity? I'm not sure anymore.
I am comfortable physically, but not emotionally. I've been taken care of very well, and in good company. I've been given comfortable beds, sufficient/excess food, even goddamn wifi access, and I have everything I survived on at home with me. Yet I still feel that there's something about my life now that's never coming back.
I spend my days rolling on the floor in front of my laptop, staring and concentrating as if there's anything on when the truth is I've been staring at an empty screen. Sometimes I stop to write something in my notebooks, or read a few chapters of a book. I also stop for meals and to bathe, and maybe a little socializing, but even then most my conversations go on while I'm doing everything else. I don't know what's the point in anything anymore. I can't say I'm disconnected from everything but I feel somewhat...lonely. Empty.
Wanna know the worst part?:
I think I no longer have a home.
About a week ago I got a call from Celebrity Fitness. I'm sure we all know what the phone call was like/about. I've gotten the same call last year and I replied to them the same thing I did last time. But this time it was probably a bit more harsh due to my PMS. This is how it went:
*phone rings*
Me: Hello?
Fucktard: Hi this is [God knows what his name was] calling from Celebrity Fitness, a friend of yours-
Me: Look a hundred of people have been given the same phone call and I know what this is about so save your breath, I understand you're only trying to do your job and I respect that, but I'll do you a favour by picking up the damn phone, and you do me a favour by calling up that friend who gave you this phone number again and tell him or her that I don't need to lose weight to feel good about myself, or that he or she should stop binging on those goddamn J.CO or Big Apple donuts for once.
And I hung up.
I admit this was rather rude. I do however feel strongly about what I said. The only reason we have so many goddamn gyms opening here and there is because you fucking Malaysians can't fucking get over donuts. It's just, donuts. I don't even know why you people are going crazy over them, lining up in long lines just to get them. I, personally, love Krispe Kreme, but I wouldn't want it to open up here in KL. Why? Imagine if it did, it'll ruin the fun, and it won't be special anymore. And the next time I go overseas and see a Krispy Kreme shop I'd probably be sick of seeing it.
How much can I bet with you that only a small quantity of gym members are actually there for fitness and health, while the other part consist of girls obsessed over their favourite fucking celebrities, consciously worried about their after-lipo bodies' shapes or guys wanting that six-pack abs strong arms as if it makes them more of a man. The old folks with bellies that grew with age or alcohol content though, I pity. Poor guys, can't even live the rest of their living years peacefully without their women wanting them to lose weight while they themselves stay at home watching the Asian Food Channel and popping those pills as if it really prevents cancer (and they call us druggies). And the rest of them? Want to shed that extra fat? Do you know why you're there in the first place? Blame it on that Carl's Jr burger you had for lunch, and..WOW I WONDER WHAT WAS FOR TEA!
Seriously though. What's, the fucking, use? Why live like that?
And then a few minutes ago I had this short conversation with my aunt:
Her: I shouldn't be at home I have so much work to do. [whines]
Me: So instead of finishing your work you're...going to the gym?
Me: Pft, why not get donuts while you're at it, since Parade just opened one.
Her: Eh yeah, Big Apple! Mmmm.
And I got up, went to my room and typed this post.
I don't know what's different about tonight, but I am content with being stuck at home right now. I usually dread the fact that I can't go out or don't have any plans, but tonight's different. Somehow.
Why am I not out? This all is due to the designated driver being sick, and everyone else is either busy with their own shit, or, unfortunate for me, don't even have licenses to take me out(same goes for myself, of course).
But it's been a good night, so far. Having cheap burgers while watching cartoons with the (fake) second dad, followed by smoking cigarettes while reading a Murakami book (I planned on reading ages ago- I got it for a birthday present last year) in the comfort of my own bed and interruptions in the form of short random phone calls and some text messages from a certain primitive boy.
In a way I guess it's good that tonight's very mellow; lots of rest tonight and party all night tomorrow. Let's hope everything goes well though.
And now, I shall go back to reading my book, and secretly wait for another interruption, and maybe eventually fall asleep.
It was just fucking amazing. And I'm glad I had my brother next to me, the person who actually introduced me to the band 5 years ago.
Mogwai in 2006, The Cure in 2007, and Explosions In The Sky early 2008.
But hey let's hope that's not the first and last for this year. Gots me fingers crossed!
Dear God Hujan's releasing their shit in UK now? Gotta be fucking kidding me checkcheckrockcockbullshit. -_-"
Happy V-day, lovers!
Now hold on there, before you go on with your stupid Friendster and MySpace bulletins(thank God Facebook doesn't have bulletins, eh?) going on and on about how Muslims shouldn't celebrate, shut up and stop spoiling it for others.
As for myself, I think the whole idea of Valentines is pretty cute. I've never seen my guy friends get so hyped up or worried about bringing their girlfriends out for special dinners or getting them gifts, and worrying about their finances, etc. It's really sweet of guys to at least put an effort into doing something special for their girlfriends (for once- HAH!). I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting for Valentines Day to finally do something special for their partners. It's not like everyone can afford bringing their girlfriends out for dinners all the time. So stop whining and have a great day with your significant other.
But for now, I'm too lazy to be social in any way. So I've locked myself up in my room with my wifi, maggi cups, a can of beer, some chocolates, a pack of cigarettes, and my iTunes. I think this is pretty much all I need for now. Amazingly I'm pretty content with this. I think I'll even make postcards for Iman tonight. Hmm hmm.
So we have Explosions In The Sky at Ruums, and then there's Incubus, The Roots, John Legend, etc. for the Sunburst Music Festival. Then there's Bleeding Through, and (I hear) HORSE The Band, apparently. And it's only the beginning of this year.
All these acts coming to our little country. Finally, it's not only Singapore Singapore Singapore.
But but but but but that's not the reason I'm posting this now see. Here's the latest update, and I am probably most excited for: Off FUCKING Minor, is coming to KL.
Fuck.
And I'm not just overreacting when I say I am disgusted and disappointed with a few people I consider myself close to, at the moment. I'm pretty sure everyone that has enough self-respect would be upset to find out a friend or two of theirs have been hanging out with sleazy people, and they end up doing shady things with them themselves.
Having to put through a night with this...shabby bunch, just made me want to hurl, and it wasn't just the alcohol speaking there. Childish games are fine at times, but you draw the line when you end up doing tacky/trashy things like what I just experienced last night. Very upsetting considering this is coming from people who are older than myself, and should know better than that.
As much as I want to or should, I don't think I'll say anything about last night (or whatever nights that have been going on without my presence) to them. If being a good friend means giving advice instead of dissing them like this, then call me an awful friend. If that makes me a horrible person, so be it. I think you're old enough to notice rights and wrongs without being told anything at all, especially when it's this obvious. I really thought you were bigger than this.
I don't think I'm capable of feeling pity for anyone anymore, and the so-called cold "heart" I once had is probably close to extinction now(though lets hope it's only on hiatus). It sucks not having anything to say when your good friend is telling you about a problem of his/hers. It's not as if you don't think it sucks for them, but you just don't know what to say or feel anymore. I want to tell them to calm down and that it's not a big deal, but at times I just bite my tongue cause I'm afraid they would attack me back saying it's easy for me to say since I have nothing to worry about like studies, work or anything for that matter right now. I would glare back at them telling them the truth of what's been going on with me but that would just either earn me pity, sad useless comments or just another enemy. Save the bullshit for people who have the time or interest.
I need a vacation. A real one. I cannot afford one at the moment, so please, Explosions, (literally) blow me away. I'd appreciate it.
